Far From a Perfect World...........................

Although I have not written in a few days, lots has happened. As you have probably noticed from my previous journals, a change is happening within me. I'm trying to express this change in words as I feel it may help others, as well as help me reflect on whats happening to me.

I've been feeling an inner calm, a peace, a contentment, like I have not felt in years. Not since I was a very young child. The last few weeks I have been feeling elated, full of life..... and don't get me wrong, my life is far from perfect. I have trials and tribulations like everyone, but maybe its the way I'm perceiving everything now.

I hope your with me as I'm struggling to get the words out right. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've come to some new kind of inner realization. Perhaps a realization about life... death... family... friends... and mostly love.

Lets talk about love. Most of my life I have been a black and white person. No grey areas ever! But recently, I've been seeing so much grey, especially regarding to love. I always thought that we could only have one type of love. But I'm slowly seeing that I have been oh so wrong about that.

As I reflect on my past relationships I can see that each person that came into my life offered something uniquely different to me, and I to them. I loved each of them in a totally different way. Not more or less, just different. I'll be honest, relationships havent exactly been my strongest attribute, but I continue to work on it. Maybe now that I'm seeing each relationship in a whole new light, I'll be able to maintain my current and new relationships in a more constructive manner.

If I'm brutally honest with myself, I'd have to say that I've always been scared to open up completely to anyone. Always been scared to let anyone in........to let anyone really love me. And in return, scared to really care for anyone else.........

Maybe this change in me lately is due to letting go of my fears, as I'm not feeling as scared anymore. Perhaps the only way to continue down my path is to tackle each fear one by one. What do you think?....................Maya.

Return to innocence........

Thats not the beginning of the end

Thats the return to yourself

The return to innocence.

Love - devotion

Feeling - emotion.

Love - devotion

Feeling - emotion.

Dont be afraid to be weak

Dont be too proud to be strong

Just look into your heart my friend

That will be the return to yourself

The return to innocence.

If you want, then start to laugh

If you must, then start to cry

Be yourself dont hide

Just believe in destiny.

Dont care what people say

Just follow your own way

Dont give up and use the chance

To return to innocence.

Thats not the beginning of the end

Thats the return to yourself

The return to innocence.

Dont care what people say

Follow just your own way

Follow just your own way

Dont give up, dont give up

To return, to return to innocence.

If you want then start to laugh

If you must then start to cry

Be yourself dont hide

Just believe in destiny.

enigma, "return to innocence"

Description of Mabon for my friends...............

Mabon Sept 23, 2006!!

Mabon (Autumn Equinox), 2nd Harvest, September 21st Mabon, (pronounced MAY-bun, MAY-bone, MAH-boon, or MAH-bawn) is the Autumn Equinox. The Autumn Equinox divides the day and night equally, and we all take a moment to pay our respects to the impending dark. We also give thanks to the waning sunlight, as we store our harvest of this year's crops.

The Druids call this celebration, Mea'n Fo'mhair, and honor the The Green Man, the God of the Forest, by offering libations to trees. Offerings of ciders, wines, herbs and fertilizer are appropriate at this time. Wiccans celebrate the aging Goddess as she passes from Mother to Crone, and her consort the God as he prepares for death and re-birth.

Take a walk today ,

breath in the energy all around us.

Meditate. Love the ones your with.......

Maya xoxo

Happy Mabon!! (Fall Equinox!!)

Hot Buttered Rum in a Crock Pot
This recipe is yummy even without the rum!

Ingredients
2 cups firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 pinch salt
3 sticks cinnamon
6 whole cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 cups rum
heavy cream -- whipped
ground nutmeg -- for topping
Directions
1. Put all ingredients, except rum, cream, and nutmeg into crock pot.
2. Add 2 quarts hot water. Stir well.
3. Cover pot and cook on LOW for 5 hours.

Mabon Prayer...Fall is here!!

Mabon Prayer
--Adapted by Akasha Ap Emrys

Autumn colors of red and gold
As I close my eyes tonight

Such a wonder to behold

I feel the Goddess hold me tight

Watch leaves turning one by one
Though it grows dark, I shall not fear
Captured bits of Autumn Sun
For Divine Love protects all here

Soon they'll fall and blow away
Through the night, until the morn
The golden treasures of today
When the shining Sun's reborn

When the trees are bare
Time to sleep, time to dream
And the ground grows cold
Till warm gold rays upon me stream
These warm memories
I'll still hold.

The Fall Equinox is very special to me.

The colours of nature turning

vibrant rusty colours fills my spirit with light

and a feelingof love......

Happy Mabon (Fall Equinox)

Maya xoxo

When In doubt..........................

A lot has happened over the last couple of days. And truthfully, I've been a little deep in thought and down about a few things. Thanks to a visit from a very special friend of mine, I have been able to put things into perspective. I think what it all comes down to is that in upsetting situations you have to ask yourself one key question "what would love do?" as a response. I think that in any situation of a personal nature, if you ask yourself that key question, the answer will be clear. I know for myself, my particular situation is clearer now that I have asked myself that key question. This method can be used by yourself when faced with a personal decision, or can help you evaluate a situation by others actions towards yourself. If others are not acting or speaking to you in a loving, caring manner, then you have to wonder if they value you as a person at all. And finally, when your faced with a difficult situation and don't know how to respond to someone who has been close to you in the past, or presently, if you ask yourself the simple question "what would love do?" the answer will be clear in how to respond in an constructive, gentle manner............................I wish in my situation this week that the person I was dealing with treated me in the above manner, however, in saying that, they have made the situation extremely clear..................................................................................Maya

Mending a Broken Heart........................

Sometimes mending takes time. Especially with our hearts. Relationships are hard to maintain at the best of times, and because we are human, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we hurt each other unintentionally. Sometimes we may not handle situations in the best manner, and hopefully we can at least learn from our mistakes thru trial and error. It seems I have had relationship problems my whole life, with my family, my friends, my children, and my lovers. I always try my best, but I have to admit its not my strongest trait. I can only hope that those that know me the best understand that I would never try to hurt them intentionally.
I feel life would be a lot easier if people just knew instinctively how I felt about things, because sometimes I can't express it to them. As a result, many times I am misunderstood..................
If I have learned anything at all, I've learned that there is a time to forgive................................a time for healing..............................and a time for renewal with the ones we love and care for ...............................................................................Maya Sept 18th.06.

Time to Stop Being Scared.........................

I've been thinking about so many things lately. And like my other journals, I'm feeling different somehow. And I think I'm feeling like I've been waiting for something to happen. I think what I'm finding out is that I'm waiting for myself to make something happen. So, I've been taking matters into my own hands lately. Re-evaluating situations around me. Weeding out bad relationships and cultivating the relationships in my life that are positive and loving. Searching out new career posibilities, and trying to get over the fear of new challenges and work experiences. Trying to build my confidence. Trying to build up the courage to try something, even if I find out I can't succeed. I've always had the fear of failing and being ridiculed. But its time I got over it. Sometimes you succeed just by trying. People understand if you cant grasp something, and if their decent they wont ridicule you for it. But its always been one of my biggest fears, fear of failing............
Well, wish me luck. I'm gonna try something different. I'm scared and nervous, but I'm gonna try anyway................If I dont, I'll stop growing. And I don't want that to happen. There are so many wonderful things ahead for me and my family. I just feel it. But I have to press on.......
Till next time.............................................Maya..................

Something Is happening...................

I'm feeling very different lately. And it's hard to put my finger on it. I'm feeling transformed somehow, inside and out. My body even feels different to me. Almost like a long lost friend thats come back. I'm wondering what it means........
My awareness the last few weeks has increased greatly. I feel connected, somehow. Not to any one in particular, just connected. I lie in the dark (which I'm usually afraid of), and feel warmth and security. I sit and listen to the nothingness (and I usually have to have some noise on, like music ect.). I am content. I feel love. I feel like I'm coming home somehow......
Where have I been so long?

Maya...

The Love of My Life..................................

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary!! I have been off from work sick today with a chest cold, and Jim was off today as well. We spent the day together doing ordinary things, nothing special. It has been a wonderful day. No particular reason, just a wonderful day. I love him more and more every day, he is wonderful...........................He is reading this now saying, "oh my god", but thats ok. I want the world to know how happy I am with him!
I'm sitting in my kitchen, with my back to the open window. The breeze in blowing gently on my back and jim is stroking my shoulder...............................I am a lucky laday indeed..............
................................Maya

Unexpected Pleasures......

Sometimes we find joy in the most unusual places. Places in the heart we would never think to look. Like today for example. I have been very sick with a chest cold and feeling completely yucky. So I stayed home from work to rest. My honey stayed home too as he was feeling under the weather as well. Just having him with me makes me feel better. The sound of his soft voice. The warmth of his embrace. His soft kisses. He does so many wonderful thoughtful things for me, like bringing me a hot cup of tea. Today he made me homemade chicken soup. He looks at me with love in his eyes. I am so blessed he was sent to me. For the record, I try to take care of him to when hes not well, but he makes it very difficult, as hes very stubborn. So all I can do is love him to bits. The love I feel for him I could never put into words................................Maya

My soulmate..........................

His voice is soothing..............it is love. His eyes are the deepest blue. He understands me. He knows me. He is my best friend, my lover, my everything...........
Look into my eyes, you will see
what you mean to me...............
search your heart, search your soul
and when you find me there you'll search no more
you know its true.................everything I do..............I do it for you...

"All I need is the air that I breath and to love you"
..............................................................................................Maya

The temple of the Sun..........................

Close your eyes and you will see clearly........
Cease to listen and you will hear truth................
Be silent and your heart will sing........................
Seek no contracts and you will find union....
Be still and you will move forward on the tide of the spirit..............
Be gentle and you will need no strength...
Be patient and you will achieve all things....
Be humble and you will remain entire.........................................

Lets Face It, Im Just Not Normal.................

Help me I'm trapped in a sea of mindless drivel. All around me, talking, chattering, words, mind numbing . Muffled sounds................ I'm not Listening!!
What to write.............what to write...........Hmmm. I'm always thinking. So many things in this head of mine. Always thinking I am. About things you probably don't get, or wouldn't be interested in. I'm a people watcher. I always wonder what they are thinking, or what they are feeling. I'm interested in your deepest fears, dreams, desires, loves, disappointments, wishes. I want to connect with you on a whole different level. Lets face it, I'm just not normal!!
What the hell am I doing here! Help me, I'm trapped in a world I didn't create!!

Maya...

I'm Alone In A Room Full Of People.............

As the days, months, years tic by, I realize that I am so different from most. I just don't fit in, nor do I care to. Today is a perfect example: Sitting in Lunchroom with my coworkers. They are laughing and joking about things I have absolutely no interest in. I sit and eat my lunch for an hour just waiting to get back to work. Before, I used to try to get involved in the chatter, but now I just cant pretend, or be phony anymore. Most days, like today, I disagree with everything they talk about. Before I would express my views. Now I just sit in silence. I've finished my lunch, yet I'm so hungry for real communication with someone. Once again, I wonder where 'the others' are. It would be so much easier to just conform, be like the majority. It's lonely being me sometimes..............I have so much to share...............Maya xoxo

so much more...

"I'm not what you see..............

"I am so much more"

......Maya

My First Journal..................

Well, this is my first journal. I'm not clever with wordy statements, and truthfully, I'm not up to date with politics and current news. If your interested in reading journals to come, you will be reading my personal feelings on various topics and thoughts on my life as I see it. My hope is that you will learn about me, as I learn about myself. I'm just plain ol Michele (or Maya), with sometimes bizarre thoughts and feelings on life. I feel I'm on a journey to self discovery and would like you to keep me company along the way. I hope you enjoy my inner world.... What I will be sharing with you is my most personal and private feelings. I'm placing my heart in your hands..................so please be gentle........I'm still growing.

Sincerely......................Maya.