The Wind beneath my Wings..........

I think I want to talk about my marriage to Jim tonight. Because, quite honestly, my marriage is the foundation for everything good in my life. My life changed the day I met Jim. He is my best friend in the whole world. He is my husband..............he is my lover. He is so many things to me. He is the best father in the whole world to our children. Honestly, I've never met a more loving, giving person in my whole life..................and I'm grateful for every day I have with him.

Much of who I am today I have Jim to thank for. He has loved me for who I am without judgement. He has supported me through thick and thin. He has taught me what love really is. He has taught me to love myself. He has taught me how to be free........................and he has taught me how to love unconditionally.

I really feel I need to describe our relationship to you if I am to explore my other close relationships, because it is our marriage, our committment to one another, and our acceptance of each other for who we are, that allows for me to love and care for others deeply as well.

More and more, I've come to realize that the stronger we are as a couple, the stronger we each become as individuals . In saying that, the stronger we become as individuals, the more we have to offer each other to strengthen our foundation.

Now don't get me wrong, we are not perfect, and we have problems just like any other couple. But I feel that our love and deep respect for one another will always help us get through the hard times. The simple fact that we love being together and genuinely like one another is another asset we have. We both still rush home to see each other at the end of the day.... even after being together for over ten years now.

The Path to getting to where we are now in our relationship is a very interesting one, and honestly, 10 years ago I would have never dreamed of having the types of experiences and relationships as I have had. Including the love I have given and received........................as well as the heartache.

Tonight , I want to express my deepest thanks to Jim................because 'you are the love of my life' and 'You are the wind beneath my wings'.

............................... yours is the last voice I want to hear before I leave this world.

Always ,
Maya xoxoxoxoxoxo

I'm like an Onion..............with lots of layers..

I decided to take a road trip today to visit my friends in Brantford. I havn't seen them in a couple weeks and so I've been missing them.
It's funny, a year or so ago, I would have never dream't of venturing out of town on my own. It would seem I've been scared of my own shadow for years. I guess, I've also been scared to do anything alone. Lately, I've relished getting out on my own and have in a way felt comforted with my own company. To be quite honest, I feel a special part of me (a familiar friend) has returned.............and It's wonderful.
It's a beautiful day out today and the sun is shining. As I drove along the highway my thoughts carried me away. For the first time in my life I feel at peace with myself. Actually, I think I'm finally getting to know myself . I've been thinking about what defines me as a person .............without defining myself as a daughter, mother, wife, nurse, friend, ect. After years of being in these roles, I think it gets easy for any of us to lose our real sense of self. While driving along the highway today, I felt for the first time in years like just 'me'.
I know I still have a ways to go yet for my self discovery, but I really feel like I'm on the right path today. Maybe I'm like an Onion (like Shrek would say!), and slowly I'm peeling off layers of my skin to uncover my core.
In case your wondering, I'm sitting in my friends office writing this journal as I am waiting for her to finish working. I'm very happy to be here today with my long distance friends........................................and I'm very happy to be with me again too.
Love always,
Maya xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The Gift of Time......................

I havn't had much work available to me lately at the hospital. Usually, I would be worrying and fretting about it. However, I'm looking at it in a different light now. I feel that the goddess knows that I need this time to reflect on life and work on my writing. It's been years since I've been home so much in the summer, and truthfully, I'm loving it. There is nowhere I'd rather be than in my loving home. Everyday I'm here, I feel the love from my house, my trees, and all the life outside. I like to be here to see my children when they are home (which isn't very often, LOL). I'm feeling like a little child again, waking up in the morning with the promise of the whole day to do whatever my heart desires. Doesn't take much to keep the house tiday anymore because the children are older, so there is lots of time for creative things, like spending time out in the yard by the flowers and trees, writing, meditating, baking, surfing the internet, calling a friend, or maybe taking a nap. I havn't really had any urges to even go shopping lately. I'm really just loving and appreciating what I have. I don't really need anything else.

I find I'm meeting some interesting new people lately as well. And I'm enjoying talking to them and learning about them and their lives. I feel that I am attracting the type of people into my life that are on a similiar journey to mine. It's refreshing to be able to share my thoughts on life with them and listen to their perspectives as well. I'm learning so many things which is helping me see things from so many different angles.

Today, I have the whole day with my honey (Jim). It is going to be a wonderful day. I am grateful for time today. Time to share and learn is a wonderful gift from above.

Love and Light to you,

Maya xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

She's Taking Me By The Hand......................

I'm thinking that things in my life are really changing for me now, or maybe I'm just more aware of all the changes. I see things in such a different light now. It's like I'm finally seeing the 'big picture'. I've been meditating more since my last entry and I have been experiencing the most amazing things.

Jim and I went down to the beach a couple days ago and we sat under a beautiful tree by the lake. As Jim napped, I decided to close my eyes and meditate on all the beautiful sounds .....like the tides coming in and birds singing. I tried to clear my mind of all thoughts . I focused on nothing but pure 'white'. All I kept focusing on was 'white' . I did this for a while, and it's not easy to stay focused like this. But then it happened..........In my minds eye, I was enveloped in the 'nothing'. Like a blanket of white light surrounding me. It was the most amazing feeling. I tried hard to stay in this place, but felt myself slipping out a little. So I focused on my 'white'. I was able to stay in my 'white' place of nothingness for a short while and then slipped back into this reality we live in.

Jim (my honey), was actually the one who told me about the 'white' meditation as he has used this technique for quieting his mind before he drifts off to sleep. It's the first time in my life I have meditated and really felt like I had a unique experience, an awakening of sorts.......

My eyes are wide open now to so many possibilities. I know what direction I am going in and I'm looking forward to all the new discoveries about myself that await me. I will continue to share this discoveries with you as long as you want to stay with me on this journey I am on. I believe with my heart and soul that if I keep my heart open to love and oneness, the closer I will get to know the source of 'all'...............The 'great mother of all' is taking me by the hand to show me the way and I am following with my eyes and my heart open...

Yours very truly, Maya xoxoxo

She is Love............She is the Flame

There is so much I want to say, so much I want to share.....

Something touched me so deeply tonight. I want to explain...I'll try my best.

I believe she came to me. With all my heart and soul I believe she showed herself to me in all her beauty. I saw the most beautiful 'feelings' in the flicker of a single flame. I saw her as the most vibrant ocean blue, then changing to violet, and pinks. Then as if a gentle soft bluey shadow, she rose up from the tip of the flame and moved from side to side and gently moved down, settling onto the candle and disappearing. I closed my eyes, with such feelings I've never had before. Warm tears streaming down my cheeks. I thought maybe I was just imagining things...........but then with my eyes both shut, I saw her again. First a distant violet light, then her form moved closer and closer to me as if dancing with me, as if calling to me. I felt pure love.....peace. I tried to stay focused on her light for as long as I could, then naturally she faded into me. I didn't want to open my eyes. I begged her to show me again and again, but she was gone. I again opened my eyes and looked at my candle in the corner of the room and I could not believe what I saw. The bluest of blues was her head and the reflection around the candle of angel wings. The blue aura was larger than the first time I saw it, and she stayed there until I was ready to let her go.

I'm sharing a precious gift with you. I believe I have had an awakening tonight. A confirmation of my beliefs. A guidepost so to speak, for me to keep moving in the direction I am going. The goddess, great mother and nurturer, has finally known that I am ready to receive her love totally. And she brings me my life full of love.

There have many many people in my life that are very special to me. Some are still a very active part of my life, and some have left me. To those that have gone on a different path without me, I hope they keep my love with them always, to give them comfort on their journey. I know I have lots of love to give to those who wish it. The goddess surrounds me in her blanket of love.

Tonight, I feel inspired like never before to stay on my path. I want to experience so much in this life, and I want to share my experiences with you. So if your reading this, I hope you know that I am writing this with all my love in the hope that it is helping you on your quest as well.

A new chapter has begun in my life tonight and I am very excited. Life is change, and it is a wondrous thing. Life is Love..............Love is all there is. So, I will love and I will Live!

.........................We are all made of Love. To Love each other is all we need to do...Maya

Seasons In The Sun........The Dance of Love...

I'm feeling much sadness today......and truthfully I don't really feel like writing. In saying that, it's probably good for me to write because sometimes the best feelings and thoughts come out in the printed word in times of sorrow. It seems like a chapter has been closed on a very special part of my life today. A chapter that has allowed me to grow in ways I never knew were possible. A chapter that tought me how to connect on a level I never knew existed. A chapter that.......................I want to keep reading forever and never wanted to end. I'm at a loss for words right now. I feel emptiness, and numb at the moment. I am questioning so many things.

I'm grateful for all the love that is in my life and has been in my life. I know that I must keep moving forward, and I trust in the goddess above to guide me on my journey. All I know for sure today is that I need to be free to love................and to receive love. Being open to love has helped me grow in ways I never imagined. I have learned more from love than any amount of formal schooling could provide me. I have discovered 'me'. I have connected with my soul, and also with my soulmates. I have soared higher than I ever dreamed I could. I reached my Nirvana...............and now I know it is there whenever I want to go there.....

Saying all this still doesn't stop my pain right now, because I feel I am grieving a loss of something that filled my spirit with light. And grieving is a natural process to healing. I have given so much thought to how to return to the chapter that is closing in my heart, but instinctively know that the season for that story is gone, and a new season is beginning. I welcome the next season, and look forward to what it promises to bring me. I see things around me so differently now, and I trust that the universe is unfolding just as it should.

Today I will let my tears come, and reminisce on the wonderful chapter of my life that I never thought possible. Today I will give thanks to the goddess above for the love she sends me.