My Nirvana.............

More and more I'm realizing that every thought, word, and deed............ virtually every experience I have is changing me in every way imaginable. For the first time in my life I have opened myself up to receive new experiences freely. Any whether these experiences are positive or negative doesn't change the fact that they have had a tremendous impact on me. These experiences are helping me to see so clearly all the things I yearn to do in this life....

In saying that, having these experiences are also making me realize that there are things I must do alone. I've not been sure until lately that I have some dreams that I must fufill by myself. The great thing too is that my relationship with my partner is so healthy and open, that I have been able to express these dreams to him without worrying about his responses to them. It has taken me 10+ years to feel comfortable enough to share these things with him.

I'm looking at my life in ways I never thought possible. I appreciate every little thing. I take in everything.......I notice things you would probably giggle at, like the pattern in a marble floor, or the feel of a fabric, the softness of getting into my bed, the whisper of the wind that caresses me when I'm sleeping, the feeling of stepping into a warm scented bath and trees................

I stare at trees all the time. They speak to me in ways I cannot explain. They bring me much comfort. I feel they seem to understand me, and are a great part of me. I give my love freely to the trees without any expectation from them...

I'll be honest, relationships have never been my strong suit. Whether it be with my parents, sibling, or my spouses, or my children..........and especially my friends. I have always guarded myself as I have many deep wounds, and many times I have opened myself up, only to be hurt or betrayed, and so typically I resort to my usual pattern of closing myself off and running away... I'm only realizing now that running away is not the answer, and is certainly not allowing me to continue to grow emotionally.

Love...............at times it consumes me. The goddess has blessed me with so much love in my life. Sometimes I feel so full of Love I could burst. There is nothing in this life more fufilling than the feeling of being in love. I always feared giving and receiving love , but now I feel so free to live in each loving moment with no expectations but letting love bathe me in its beautiful light..........

And so I've come to a point that I must decide where, and which way to move forward. I will not close up emotionally or shut down again, I'm creating my perfect state of being, my loving world, my nirvana. I am going to love like I have never loved before, I am going to keep experiencing what is placed before me, and what I myself decide to create....................I will travel to enchanting places with nothing more than my own company................and someday...........I'll be walking through a magical forest at sunset... completely at peace with myself and alone....................full of love and light.

Maya xoxo

Waking up on the inside...

Not sure what to write, but I feel really good today. I'm listening to 'the guitar man' by Bread. The breeze from my kitchen window is blowing on the back of my neck. My Honey is making me a tea.............Life is Good!! I'm feeling really happy right now so thought I should journal something for you to read.
I feel like I've had an awakening of sorts. I'm seeing things very clearly today. I'm really ok. I feel good about my life, my family, my career, and my friendships. I think I'm finally to the point where I don't feel guilty about being 'different'. I like who I am, and I'm really feeling happy about it.
My life is not mainstream, nor is it 'normal' and thats completely ok with me. I'm not going to stop reaching, exploring, growing, or loving because of fear. I know I have to keep moving forward......I 'know' there is so much more waiting for me in this life and I'm looking forward to it. My relationships are precious to me , I treasure them. If I died today, I would take so much love with me, and so many amazing memories.
I have been fortunate enough to experience so many things so far in this life. I am very grateful. The love I have experienced and shared in my life is more than many people will have in a lifetime . My promise to myself and to the great mother is that I share my love with others who need it. I have a lot to give.............and I'm not scared anymore. I feel so free.................I could fly away...............


*Oh, and I'm going to finally play my tambourine!!!


Maya xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

a wish for a friend....

Sometimes when we look at other peoples lives , it all seems so clear as to how to help, or how to make things better for them. And sometimes, it gets frustrating because we don't understand why they can't see the solutions for themselves.

I have a good friend. She is a wonderful person with so much to offer. She puts her children before anything else. But I feel her unhappiness and pain. I see how wonderful her life could be because she has so much to offer this world.

I hope that she knows that she means a lot to me, even if I may have not showed it the right way. I also hopes she knows that I have never done anything to intentionally hurt her in any way. I see the good in her. I see what she is on the inside. I know she will achieve her goals for herself and make her life everything she wants it to be (If she decides to). I just wish she would realize that she is in control of everything in her life, (her reality). That she has the power to change anything she doesn't like at any given moment.

I hope she reads this and understands what I'm trying to say... I'll make a wish for you my friend..........

Always,

Maya xoxoxox

Heaven is.................

Heaven is Being in the arms

of my true love....

Places in My heart..........

I wanted to share some special images that are close to my heart with you...

They are in no particular order, I hope you like them....

Michele....xoxoxoxo

Me and my little man, Andrew. I'm so Proud of him...

A smile that would light up any room.............Mark

She's everything I ever wanted to be and more....Amber

This is me...........
He is the most evolved person I know. He is a king in all respects. My Jim......
My best friend in the whole world, Tillane xoxoxoxo
My Home, my oasis...
A special day with my special friend.........Mellow Mondays..
Mark and Tillane....arent they cute
My daughter, My friend.......

a special gift from Jim....
a place where friends gather......

Happy Times.......

my life philosophy...
where I find comfort....

angel to watch over us...

a momento from a special time with

special friends....

My comfort lamp, pretty much sums up my

personality eh....

Flowers that Jimmy bought me....

going into my bedroom .....

This is Why.................

If I could only find a way to share with you , the world in my mind.............

If I could only find a way to express my love and emotions fully and completely....

If.........

I want to share so much......

I want you to understand...

I want someone to know me...

I am not what you see, I am so much more...

......and so I write some of my thoughts down as best as I can.

Some are my own thoughts on things, and some are tidbits from others that have intrigued, or touched me in some way. I hope that they will touch you as well. Some are lyrics from songs that have touched my soul. Some are poems that I have written or have been fortunate enough to stumble apon.

I'm not sure what I am going to do with all my journals some day, but I hope that what I have shared with you, has helped you in some way. I feel that my journals are little pieces of myself that I am offering for anyone who needs them.

I feel I must keep writing things down as I feel them, even if they may not seem to have any rhyme or reason, because I feel that all of my words are taking on some kind of life of their own.

There is a massive change happening in our world right now, a shift of consciousness I think, and many people, including myself are looking for 'the others' who are on this frequency. So if anything that I have shared with you has helped you on your journey, please share my journals with someone else who might find my words inspiring, or thought provoking.

I believe that I will continue having inspiration to continue with my journals, and I believe that what I am sharing will help you on your path.

I believe that as I keep writing, the universe will guide the right people into my life to walk with me on my journey and guide me to places I need to be to continue my learning so that I may continue to share with you.

I believe there are no coincidences. You have stumbled onto my journals for a reason. I wish you well on your journey.

Love,

Maya xoxoxoxo

Beauty I'd always missed with these eyes before...

This song descibes in so many ways how I feel . In some ways I feel as though I have been sleeping a great portion of my life. It's sad because I think I really missed a lot of beautiful experiences...... and opportunities to share with those closest to me how I really felt about them. I feel like I'm really awake for the first time in my life. There is so much I want to share. I'll continue to have my dreams............but I intend to make them come true now as well. I hope these lyrics touch you as they do me.... Maya xoxo

Nights in white satin,

Never reaching the end,

Letters Ive written,

Never meaning to send.

Beauty Id always missed

With these eyes before,

Just what the truth is

I cant say anymore.

cause I love you,

Yes, I love you,

Oh, how, I love you.

Gazing at people,

Some hand in hand,

Just what Im going thru

They can't understand.

Some try to tell me

Thoughts they cannot defend,

Just what you want to be

You will be in the end,

And I love you,

Yes, I love you,

Oh, how, I love you.

Oh, how, I love you.

Nights in white satin,

Never reaching the end,

Letters Ive written,

Never meaning to send.

Beauty Id always missed

With these eyes before,

Just what the truth is

I cant say anymore.

(The Moody Blues, 1967)