From The Heart............

Introduction...

2007-11-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

My name is Maya. Thank you for purchasing my first book "From the Heart", which is the first book in my "Mayas Heartstrings" series.

What you will be reading is my daily journals as I'm living life and experiencing so many different thoughts and feelings on things. I'm sharing my most private thoughts with you in these journals. Some are my own thoughts on things, and some are tidbits from others that have intrigued, or touched me in some way. I hope that they will touch you as well. Some are lyrics from songs that have touched my soul. Some are poems that I have written or have been fortunate enough to stumble apon....

It is my hope that my honesty about myself and how I feel, will help my readers rediscover themselves. It has always been my dream and desire to publish my thoughts and stories so others may know me .

I am walking on my path, and I'd like you to walk with me. I promise to be brave and write from my heart, no matter how painful it may be at times. I hope you will stay with me on my journey....

Love and Light, Maya xoxoxo.

2007-11-13T05:51:00.000-08:00

For Jim.......

From my heart to yours....

Maya

The Wind beneath my Wings..........

2007-08-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

I think I want to talk about my marriage to Jim tonight. Because, quite honestly, my marriage is the foundation for everything good in my life. My life changed the day I met Jim. He is my best friend in the whole world. He is my husband..............he is my lover. He is so many things to me. He is the best father in the whole world to our children. Honestly, I've never met a more loving, giving person in my whole life..................and I'm grateful for every day I have with him.

Much of who I am today I have Jim to thank for. He has loved me for who I am without judgement. He has supported me through thick and thin. He has taught me what love really is. He has taught me to love myself. He has taught me how to be free........................and he has taught me how to love unconditionally.

I really feel I need to describe our relationship to you if I am to explore my other close relationships, because it is our marriage, our committment to one another, and our acceptance of each other for who we are, that allows for me to love and care for others deeply as well.

More and more, I've come to realize that the stronger we are as a couple, the stronger we each become as individuals . In saying that, the stronger we become as individuals, the more we have to offer each other to strengthen our foundation.

Now don't get me wrong, we are not perfect, and we have problems just like any other couple. But I feel that our love and deep respect for one another will always help us get through the hard times. The simple fact that we love being together and genuinely like one another is another asset we have. We both still rush home to see each other at the end of the day.... even after being together for over ten years now.

The Path to getting to where we are now in our relationship is a very interesting one, and honestly, 10 years ago I would have never dreamed of having the types of experiences and relationships as I have had. Including the love I have given and received........................as well as the heartache.

Tonight , I want to express my deepest thanks to Jim................because 'you are the love of my life' and 'You are the wind beneath my wings'.

............................... yours is the last voice I want to hear before I leave this world.

Always ,
Maya xoxoxoxoxoxo

I'm like an Onion..............with lots of layers..

2007-08-08T13:50:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a road trip today to visit my friends in Brantford. I havn't seen them in a couple weeks and so I've been missing them.
It's funny, a year or so ago, I would have never dream't of venturing out of town on my own. It would seem I've been scared of my own shadow for years. I guess, I've also been scared to do anything alone. Lately, I've relished getting out on my own and have in a way felt comforted with my own company. To be quite honest, I feel a special part of me (a familiar friend) has returned.............and It's wonderful.
It's a beautiful day out today and the sun is shining. As I drove along the highway my thoughts carried me away. For the first time in my life I feel at peace with myself. Actually, I think I'm finally getting to know myself . I've been thinking about what defines me as a person .............without defining myself as a daughter, mother, wife, nurse, friend, ect. After years of being in these roles, I think it gets easy for any of us to lose our real sense of self. While driving along the highway today, I felt for the first time in years like just 'me'.
I know I still have a ways to go yet for my self discovery, but I really feel like I'm on the right path today. Maybe I'm like an Onion (like Shrek would say!), and slowly I'm peeling off layers of my skin to uncover my core.
In case your wondering, I'm sitting in my friends office writing this journal as I am waiting for her to finish working. I'm very happy to be here today with my long distance friends........................................and I'm very happy to be with me again too.
Love always,
Maya xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The Gift of Time......................

2007-08-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

I havn't had much work available to me lately at the hospital. Usually, I would be worrying and fretting about it. However, I'm looking at it in a different light now. I feel that the goddess knows that I need this time to reflect on life and work on my writing. It's been years since I've been home so much in the summer, and truthfully, I'm loving it. There is nowhere I'd rather be than in my loving home. Everyday I'm here, I feel the love from my house, my trees, and all the life outside. I like to be here to see my children when they are home (which isn't very often, LOL). I'm feeling like a little child again, waking up in the morning with the promise of the whole day to do whatever my heart desires. Doesn't take much to keep the house tiday anymore because the children are older, so there is lots of time for creative things, like spending time out in the yard by the flowers and trees, writing, meditating, baking, surfing the internet, calling a friend, or maybe taking a nap. I havn't really had any urges to even go shopping lately. I'm really just loving and appreciating what I have. I don't really need anything else.

I find I'm meeting some interesting new people lately as well. And I'm enjoying talking to them and learning about them and their lives. I feel that I am attracting the type of people into my life that are on a similiar journey to mine. It's refreshing to be able to share my thoughts on life with them and listen to their perspectives as well. I'm learning so many things which is helping me see things from so many different angles.

Today, I have the whole day with my honey (Jim). It is going to be a wonderful day. I am grateful for time today. Time to share and learn is a wonderful gift from above.

Love and Light to you,

Maya xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

She's Taking Me By The Hand......................

2007-08-06T04:30:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking that things in my life are really changing for me now, or maybe I'm just more aware of all the changes. I see things in such a different light now. It's like I'm finally seeing the 'big picture'. I've been meditating more since my last entry and I have been experiencing the most amazing things.

Jim and I went down to the beach a couple days ago and we sat under a beautiful tree by the lake. As Jim napped, I decided to close my eyes and meditate on all the beautiful sounds .....like the tides coming in and birds singing. I tried to clear my mind of all thoughts . I focused on nothing but pure 'white'. All I kept focusing on was 'white' . I did this for a while, and it's not easy to stay focused like this. But then it happened..........In my minds eye, I was enveloped in the 'nothing'. Like a blanket of white light surrounding me. It was the most amazing feeling. I tried hard to stay in this place, but felt myself slipping out a little. So I focused on my 'white'. I was able to stay in my 'white' place of nothingness for a short while and then slipped back into this reality we live in.

Jim (my honey), was actually the one who told me about the 'white' meditation as he has used this technique for quieting his mind before he drifts off to sleep. It's the first time in my life I have meditated and really felt like I had a unique experience, an awakening of sorts.......

My eyes are wide open now to so many possibilities. I know what direction I am going in and I'm looking forward to all the new discoveries about myself that await me. I will continue to share this discoveries with you as long as you want to stay with me on this journey I am on. I believe with my heart and soul that if I keep my heart open to love and oneness, the closer I will get to know the source of 'all'...............The 'great mother of all' is taking me by the hand to show me the way and I am following with my eyes and my heart open...

Yours very truly, Maya xoxoxo

She is Love............She is the Flame

2007-08-02T18:33:00.000-07:00

There is so much I want to say, so much I want to share.....

Something touched me so deeply tonight. I want to explain...I'll try my best.

I believe she came to me. With all my heart and soul I believe she showed herself to me in all her beauty. I saw the most beautiful 'feelings' in the flicker of a single flame. I saw her as the most vibrant ocean blue, then changing to violet, and pinks. Then as if a gentle soft bluey shadow, she rose up from the tip of the flame and moved from side to side and gently moved down, settling onto the candle and disappearing. I closed my eyes, with such feelings I've never had before. Warm tears streaming down my cheeks. I thought maybe I was just imagining things...........but then with my eyes both shut, I saw her again. First a distant violet light, then her form moved closer and closer to me as if dancing with me, as if calling to me. I felt pure love.....peace. I tried to stay focused on her light for as long as I could, then naturally she faded into me. I didn't want to open my eyes. I begged her to show me again and again, but she was gone. I again opened my eyes and looked at my candle in the corner of the room and I could not believe what I saw. The bluest of blues was her head and the reflection around the candle of angel wings. The blue aura was larger than the first time I saw it, and she stayed there until I was ready to let her go.

I'm sharing a precious gift with you. I believe I have had an awakening tonight. A confirmation of my beliefs. A guidepost so to speak, for me to keep moving in the direction I am going. The goddess, great mother and nurturer, has finally known that I am ready to receive her love totally. And she brings me my life full of love.

There have many many people in my life that are very special to me. Some are still a very active part of my life, and some have left me. To those that have gone on a different path without me, I hope they keep my love with them always, to give them comfort on their journey. I know I have lots of love to give to those who wish it. The goddess surrounds me in her blanket of love.

Tonight, I feel inspired like never before to stay on my path. I want to experience so much in this life, and I want to share my experiences with you. So if your reading this, I hope you know that I am writing this with all my love in the hope that it is helping you on your quest as well.

A new chapter has begun in my life tonight and I am very excited. Life is change, and it is a wondrous thing. Life is Love..............Love is all there is. So, I will love and I will Live!

.........................We are all made of Love. To Love each other is all we need to do...Maya

Seasons In The Sun........The Dance of Love...

2007-08-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling much sadness today......and truthfully I don't really feel like writing. In saying that, it's probably good for me to write because sometimes the best feelings and thoughts come out in the printed word in times of sorrow. It seems like a chapter has been closed on a very special part of my life today. A chapter that has allowed me to grow in ways I never knew were possible. A chapter that tought me how to connect on a level I never knew existed. A chapter that.......................I want to keep reading forever and never wanted to end. I'm at a loss for words right now. I feel emptiness, and numb at the moment. I am questioning so many things.

I'm grateful for all the love that is in my life and has been in my life. I know that I must keep moving forward, and I trust in the goddess above to guide me on my journey. All I know for sure today is that I need to be free to love................and to receive love. Being open to love has helped me grow in ways I never imagined. I have learned more from love than any amount of formal schooling could provide me. I have discovered 'me'. I have connected with my soul, and also with my soulmates. I have soared higher than I ever dreamed I could. I reached my Nirvana...............and now I know it is there whenever I want to go there.....

Saying all this still doesn't stop my pain right now, because I feel I am grieving a loss of something that filled my spirit with light. And grieving is a natural process to healing. I have given so much thought to how to return to the chapter that is closing in my heart, but instinctively know that the season for that story is gone, and a new season is beginning. I welcome the next season, and look forward to what it promises to bring me. I see things around me so differently now, and I trust that the universe is unfolding just as it should.

Today I will let my tears come, and reminisce on the wonderful chapter of my life that I never thought possible. Today I will give thanks to the goddess above for the love she sends me.

My Nirvana.............

2007-07-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

More and more I'm realizing that every thought, word, and deed............ virtually every experience I have is changing me in every way imaginable. For the first time in my life I have opened myself up to receive new experiences freely. Any whether these experiences are positive or negative doesn't change the fact that they have had a tremendous impact on me. These experiences are helping me to see so clearly all the things I yearn to do in this life....

In saying that, having these experiences are also making me realize that there are things I must do alone. I've not been sure until lately that I have some dreams that I must fufill by myself. The great thing too is that my relationship with my partner is so healthy and open, that I have been able to express these dreams to him without worrying about his responses to them. It has taken me 10+ years to feel comfortable enough to share these things with him.

I'm looking at my life in ways I never thought possible. I appreciate every little thing. I take in everything.......I notice things you would probably giggle at, like the pattern in a marble floor, or the feel of a fabric, the softness of getting into my bed, the whisper of the wind that caresses me when I'm sleeping, the feeling of stepping into a warm scented bath and trees................

I stare at trees all the time. They speak to me in ways I cannot explain. They bring me much comfort. I feel they seem to understand me, and are a great part of me. I give my love freely to the trees without any expectation from them...

I'll be honest, relationships have never been my strong suit. Whether it be with my parents, sibling, or my spouses, or my children..........and especially my friends. I have always guarded myself as I have many deep wounds, and many times I have opened myself up, only to be hurt or betrayed, and so typically I resort to my usual pattern of closing myself off and running away... I'm only realizing now that running away is not the answer, and is certainly not allowing me to continue to grow emotionally.

Love...............at times it consumes me. The goddess has blessed me with so much love in my life. Sometimes I feel so full of Love I could burst. There is nothing in this life more fufilling than the feeling of being in love. I always feared giving and receiving love , but now I feel so free to live in each loving moment with no expectations but letting love bathe me in its beautiful light..........

And so I've come to a point that I must decide where, and which way to move forward. I will not close up emotionally or shut down again, I'm creating my perfect state of being, my loving world, my nirvana. I am going to love like I have never loved before, I am going to keep experiencing what is placed before me, and what I myself decide to create....................I will travel to enchanting places with nothing more than my own company................and someday...........I'll be walking through a magical forest at sunset... completely at peace with myself and alone....................full of love and light.

Maya xoxo

Waking up on the inside...

2007-07-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

Not sure what to write, but I feel really good today. I'm listening to 'the guitar man' by Bread. The breeze from my kitchen window is blowing on the back of my neck. My Honey is making me a tea.............Life is Good!! I'm feeling really happy right now so thought I should journal something for you to read.
I feel like I've had an awakening of sorts. I'm seeing things very clearly today. I'm really ok. I feel good about my life, my family, my career, and my friendships. I think I'm finally to the point where I don't feel guilty about being 'different'. I like who I am, and I'm really feeling happy about it.
My life is not mainstream, nor is it 'normal' and thats completely ok with me. I'm not going to stop reaching, exploring, growing, or loving because of fear. I know I have to keep moving forward......I 'know' there is so much more waiting for me in this life and I'm looking forward to it. My relationships are precious to me , I treasure them. If I died today, I would take so much love with me, and so many amazing memories.
I have been fortunate enough to experience so many things so far in this life. I am very grateful. The love I have experienced and shared in my life is more than many people will have in a lifetime . My promise to myself and to the great mother is that I share my love with others who need it. I have a lot to give.............and I'm not scared anymore. I feel so free.................I could fly away...............

*Oh, and I'm going to finally play my tambourine!!!

Maya xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo

a wish for a friend....

2007-07-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when we look at other peoples lives , it all seems so clear as to how to help, or how to make things better for them. And sometimes, it gets frustrating because we don't understand why they can't see the solutions for themselves.

I have a good friend. She is a wonderful person with so much to offer. She puts her children before anything else. But I feel her unhappiness and pain. I see how wonderful her life could be because she has so much to offer this world.

I hope that she knows that she means a lot to me, even if I may have not showed it the right way. I also hopes she knows that I have never done anything to intentionally hurt her in any way. I see the good in her. I see what she is on the inside. I know she will achieve her goals for herself and make her life everything she wants it to be (If she decides to). I just wish she would realize that she is in control of everything in her life, (her reality). That she has the power to change anything she doesn't like at any given moment.

I hope she reads this and understands what I'm trying to say... I'll make a wish for you my friend..........

Always,

Maya xoxoxox

Heaven is.................

2007-07-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

Heaven is Being in the arms

of my true love....

Places in My heart..........

2007-07-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share some special images that are close to my heart with you...

They are in no particular order, I hope you like them....

Michele....xoxoxoxo

Me and my little man, Andrew. I'm so Proud of him...

A smile that would light up any room.............Mark

She's everything I ever wanted to be and more....Amber

This is me...........
He is the most evolved person I know. He is a king in all respects. My Jim......
My best friend in the whole world, Tillane xoxoxoxo
My Home, my oasis...
A special day with my special friend.........Mellow Mondays..
Mark and Tillane....arent they cute
My daughter, My friend.......

a special gift from Jim....
a place where friends gather......

Happy Times.......

my life philosophy...
where I find comfort....

angel to watch over us...

a momento from a special time with

special friends....

My comfort lamp, pretty much sums up my

personality eh....

Flowers that Jimmy bought me....

going into my bedroom .....

This is Why.................

2007-07-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

If I could only find a way to share with you , the world in my mind.............

If I could only find a way to express my love and emotions fully and completely....

If.........

I want to share so much......

I want you to understand...

I want someone to know me...

I am not what you see, I am so much more...

......and so I write some of my thoughts down as best as I can.

Some are my own thoughts on things, and some are tidbits from others that have intrigued, or touched me in some way. I hope that they will touch you as well. Some are lyrics from songs that have touched my soul. Some are poems that I have written or have been fortunate enough to stumble apon.

I'm not sure what I am going to do with all my journals some day, but I hope that what I have shared with you, has helped you in some way. I feel that my journals are little pieces of myself that I am offering for anyone who needs them.

I feel I must keep writing things down as I feel them, even if they may not seem to have any rhyme or reason, because I feel that all of my words are taking on some kind of life of their own.

There is a massive change happening in our world right now, a shift of consciousness I think, and many people, including myself are looking for 'the others' who are on this frequency. So if anything that I have shared with you has helped you on your journey, please share my journals with someone else who might find my words inspiring, or thought provoking.

I believe that I will continue having inspiration to continue with my journals, and I believe that what I am sharing will help you on your path.

I believe that as I keep writing, the universe will guide the right people into my life to walk with me on my journey and guide me to places I need to be to continue my learning so that I may continue to share with you.

I believe there are no coincidences. You have stumbled onto my journals for a reason. I wish you well on your journey.

Love,

Maya xoxoxoxo

Beauty I'd always missed with these eyes before...

2007-07-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

This song descibes in so many ways how I feel . In some ways I feel as though I have been sleeping a great portion of my life. It's sad because I think I really missed a lot of beautiful experiences...... and opportunities to share with those closest to me how I really felt about them. I feel like I'm really awake for the first time in my life. There is so much I want to share. I'll continue to have my dreams............but I intend to make them come true now as well. I hope these lyrics touch you as they do me.... Maya xoxo

Nights in white satin,

Never reaching the end,

Letters Ive written,

Never meaning to send.

Beauty Id always missed

With these eyes before,

Just what the truth is

I cant say anymore.

cause I love you,

Yes, I love you,

Oh, how, I love you.

Gazing at people,

Some hand in hand,

Just what Im going thru

They can't understand.

Some try to tell me

Thoughts they cannot defend,

Just what you want to be

You will be in the end,

And I love you,

Yes, I love you,

Oh, how, I love you.

Nights in white satin,

Never reaching the end,

Letters Ive written,

Never meaning to send.

Beauty Id always missed

With these eyes before,

Just what the truth is

I cant say anymore.

(The Moody Blues, 1967)

Hidden knowledge...

2007-06-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

I've read so many ideas on life from so many different authors searching for some hidden knowledge. I'm coming to realize that all that I need to know is deep within my being. For the first time in my life I am living each day as an adventure. I am following my heart, opening to others who need my love and understanding. I've discovered that the more love I am willing to give, the more love I receive in so many different ways. I can't believe how different my views are on life now. I have always been a 'black and white' person, but now all I see are differing shades of grey. There are so many different kinds of love to share with others and myself. It has taken me 40 years to realize this. I've always been afraid to love anyone completely, especially myself. The friendships I have now fill me with so much joy. I'm not afraid to give of myself anymore. I take joy in watching my friends find happiness in their own lives. I feel honored to be able to walk along their life path with them. Each day I wake up now, in the knowledge that it can be anything I wish for it to be. I'm the one who sets the tone for it. It's all 'me'. I create, and have created everything in my life, and continue to each moment. As I look around my home, and my family, and my friends, I realize I have attracted them all here. This is the picture I have painted in my mind. I hold the paintbrush, and I alone, can change the picture with a simple stroke of my brush. I think my career has helped me see how fortunate I am. I see so many lonely , sick people. People who need me. I go to work every day knowing that someone that I will come across is waiting for me , and needs me. I also know that they have something important to share with me to help me on my path as well.

A very special friend of mine has filled my spirit with so much happiness by allowing me to walk with them on their path. To trust me with knowing their inner spirit. To show me parts of them that have been hidden for so long...........

I hope they know how much their friendship means to me, and I hope they know how much faith I have in them . I see their inner beauty, their inner love. Their true potential.

And in saying all of this, I feel very loved today.

To my friend, This is for you:

The sun may be clouded, yet ever the sun

Will sweep on its course till the cycle is run.

And when into chaos the systems are hurled,

Again shall the Builder reshape a new world.

Your path may be clouded, uncertain your goal;

Move on, for the orbit is fixed on your soul.

And though it may lead into darkness of night,

The torch of the Builder shall give it new light.

You were, and you will be; know this while you are:

Your spirit has traveled both long and afar.

It came from the Source, to the Source it returns;

The spark that was lighted eternally burns.

From body to body your spirit speeds on;

It seeks a new form, when the old one is gone;

And the form that it finds, is the fabric we wrought

On the loom of the mind, with the fibre of thought.

From cycle to cycle, through time and through space,

Your lives with your longings will ever keep pace.

And all that you ask for, and all you desire,

Must come at your bidding, as flames out of fire.

You are your own devil, you are your own God.

You fashioned the paths that your footsteps have trod.

And no one can save you from error or sin

Until you shall hark to the spirit within.

'from the poem, THE LAW.

by Rosicrucian poet Ella Wheeler Wilcox'

How I feel................

2007-06-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

I took my love,
I took it down
Climbed a mountain
and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

landslide
music and lyrics; stevie nicks

Can't stop the change.........................

2007-06-03T12:17:00.001-07:00

Something is happening deep within my soul..............
I see things differently than I ever have...........
I feel more deeply than ever before............
I yearn to go within, not without.......
I look at myself and everyone else around me with different eyes.................
I love more fully than I ever thought was possible...............
I cry.....................

I feel everything..............

I'm waking up from a long sleep I think..........

Maya

Silent Tears..................

2007-05-13T05:26:00.000-07:00

My tears are silent..

It doesn't seem fair.
I have worked so hard.
I have been brave.
I have loved.
I have persevered.
I have strived.

I don't want to feel this way.
I want to be happy for them all.
I want to be indifferent to it all.
but it so hard.....

I know what I must do
and so I will.
And so I ask her for guidance and strength
to carry on.
To not lose sight of my dreams and hopes.
To continue to search for beauty and love.
To accept things for what they are, even if they don't seem fair or right.

And sometimes, if I need to, I will have silent tears..................

Maya.........

For Jim...........................

2007-04-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

I needed to add a journal as its my last night to be 39 . If I am to be honest, I have had such mixed emotions about this. At times I feel hopeful for my future, and at others I feel a loss. I look into the mirror and wonder who this reflection is that I am seeing. I still feel the same on the inside as I did when I became aware of this life, probably around the age of 13. I feel sad because I don't want people to treat me differently, because I'm getting older. I am so young at heart. I have so much passion left inside of me. I don't want to feel bitter, but find myself feeling a little that way as I feel my body is betraying me.................. I see my body changing, despite my efforts to stop it from happening. I see curves that werent there before, and thinning in places that were plumper. I'm seeing shifting of things too........LOL. And then there is my poor little face that has been thru so much. And now, it seems to be revealing the journey of my life so far................

I've been thinking that everyone says that life starts at 40 and I should be happy about it. And then I find myself trying to devise ways to better myself more, maybe try to lose more weight, or do something different with myself. And with these sorts of things going thru my busy brain, I also think that maybe it is time to get off this crazy train I've been on....As it's becoming exhausting trying to maintain the status quo, trying to preserve myself, keep myself looking younger, thinner, sexier, whatever..........

And as you are reading this, I have come to a realization that enough is enough. I've been with this self consciousness for as long as I can remember, and its gonna stop now! So here is what I'm doing for the next 40 years or so.............

I am accepting myself here and now for who I am.
I am attracting everything loving and beautiful into my life.
I am attracting all the financial resources in this world to create the happiest life for myself and my loved ones.
I am enjoying my wonderful husband and children to the fullest.
I am writing my feelings down , sharing my thoughts without fear.
I am sharing my life stories with those who wish it, or need it to help them on their own journey in this world.
I am giving my best to everyone who needs me, everyone........, without fear of judgement.
I am being my bravest to fullfill all my hearts desires ..........

and finally.....................

I am loving me, Michele.
I am good
I am kind
I am loving
I am so many wonderful things,

and............

Everything I am, I offer to you.......................to pass it on

That my friend is what it's about! It's about completing the circle of life, taking what you need, and sharing it, and then passing it on to others. It's about change, its about accepting the change, and helping others move with it as well. It's when we try to move out of the circle and go it alone, that we create our pain, we stop our growth, our journey.

so.........

Happy 40th Birthday to me!! Happy Birthday Michele............Love me xoxoxo

Shes faced the hardest times...

2007-04-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

For You,

I'm writing this for you.
You know who you are.
You are love.
You are laughter.
You are light.
You are giving.
You are nurturing.
You are creative.

You are so many wonderful things.............

I have been searching for you..........
A kindrid spirit.........
A soulmate..............

A sister...............

My friend...............

She's faced the hardest times you could imagine

and many times her eyes fought back the tears

and when her youthful world was about to fall in

each time her slender shoulders

bore the weight of all her fears

and a sorrow no one hears

still rings in midnight silence, in her ears

Let her cry, for she's a lady

let her dream, for she's a child

let the rain fall down upon her

She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

be careful how you touch her, for she'll awaken

and sleep's the only freedom that she knows

and when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe

the way she's always paying

for a debt she never owes

and a silent wind still blows

that only she can hear and so she goes

Let her cry, for she's a lady

let her dream, for she's a child

let the rain fall down upon her

She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

music and lyrics by Skylark*

The Secret Is Out!!

2007-03-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

It seems I havn't written for a while. Truth is that I have been feeling a bit depleted of energy lately...............even to write my journals.

I'm working on inner healing from a cold virus right now, so I am home today nurturing my body and soul. I felt I needed to share with my readers something amazing that I have discovered recently.............

What I discovered, was something I have been applying to my own life for about 10 years now, but I didn't actually know it was a natural law of the universe. What I have discovered is "the secret" Its a new book, and movie outlining a secret that has been withheld from the masses for centuries. The secret is basically about the natural law of attraction and how it applies to each of our lives. "Your thoughts are the most powerful forces in the universe" "you create your own reality with your thoughts" "what you think, is what the universe creates for you". It is so true, I know this in my soul. Think positive thoughts, because you want to attract positive things in your life. Sit down and evaluate how your own life is right now. If you are honest with yourself, you asked and attracted everything you are, and everything you have. Where you work, who you live with, where you live, your health, ect......

I hope you all take the time to learn as much about the law of attraction as possible, because your lives can be wonderful!! My life is wonderful!! And I see myself in the present and future

with happiness, health, and abundance around me.

Steps To Creating The Life You Desire

-With intention, describe the kind of life that you want (not the life you don't want). Be detailed.
-Keep your attention focused on what you want. Know it's coming, know you already have an amazing life.

-Step forward and take action in the direction you want to go. If this is want you want to be, what do you have to do?

-Stop trying: do it or don't do it.
-Taking action can be writing down what you want and reading it every day. It can be making a vision board of your goals and looking at it every morning.

*Be with what you want until it becomes so much a part of you that you're not even thinking about it anymore. You'll find your flow!

*If you're struggling, you're moving in the wrong direction. Life was not meant to be a great struggle; it was meant to be joyously abundant.

-Discover how you can provide value, how you can serve the world.

-Follow your creative mindset and your passion.

*Tremendously successful people don't try to make money; they do what they love. What juices you up? What can you do better than anybody?

-Mediocrity attacks excellence. People are happy when you're at their level. If you're going beyond yourself (and beyond them), people will resist and fight it. Take a different, better approach: when something good happens to someone else, celebrate their success and excellence! Let that happiness and success move through you and bring you more success and happiness.

*True forgiveness is saying you don't want the past to be any different. Forgiving people and thanking them for the experience they gave you will release you to live a full life. Unforgiveness is a form of self abuse. The message is that you want to keep repeating the experience over and over. Forgive for you, and release the toxic energy from your body

I hope this helps you on your journey, as it is helping me on mine,

Namaste, Michele xoxoxoxoxo

Searching....................

2007-02-05T16:06:00.000-08:00

Searching

I tried to find my faith on the christian cross but it was not there.
I went to the Temple of the Hindus and to the old Pagoda but I couldn't find a trace of Spirituality anywhere.
I searched on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find the answers.
I went to the Caaba in Mecca but the great one was not there either.
I questioned the scholars and the philosophers but it was beyond their understanding.
I then looked into my own heart and it was there where She dwelled that I saw Her. She was nowhere else to be found.

*my personal adaptation from the original version "The Search" by Jelaluddin Rumi

Close your eyes and see.........................

2007-02-03T18:36:00.000-08:00

The Gates of Istanbul

Music and Lyric by Loreena Mckennitt

See there, past that far-off hill

A tower held in the sky

Hear there, in that dark blue night

The music calling us home

See there, in that far-off field

Flowers turned to the sky

Feel there, in that dark blue night

The music calling us home

Stars may always guide our way,

From desert sands where winds blow harsh and long

But here’s where our hearts will pray

And all our loves will slumber with a song

Stars may always guide our way,

From desert sands where the winds blow harsh and long

But here’s where our hearts will pray

And all our loves will slumber with a song

So now, if our hearts be true

And like a pool of truth reflect the sun

We will find right honour there

And keep us safe and lead us from all harm

Then come love, let us dance all night

Until birds they waken at the dawn

Then come love, let us sing all night

And all our loves will slumber with a song

Then come love, let us dance all night

Until birds they waken at the dawn

Then come love, let us sing all night

And all our loves will slumber with a song

The Coming of Imbolc.....The coming of Spring!!

2007-01-23T07:20:00.000-08:00

Celebration of "Imbolc" February 2nd, 2007

The ancient Lunar fire festival Brigid occurs on February 2nd, it is also called Imbolg which means "around the belly" in ancient Irish.

This title refers to the womb of the mother earth as the land or soil. It is a festival of waxing light and purification, heralding the potential of spring.

The Goddess Brigid

Brigid (also called Brid (pronounced 'breed') Bride, Bridhe or Bridget) was such a beloved goddess that a festival was held in her honor. Brigid was embraced most by the Celtic Irish, and is one of the few ancient deities to survive well in modern times as St. Brigid. In Ireland, her popularity rivals that of St. Patrick.

Brigid was seen as a maiden goddess, and in some Scottish stories, she is rescued from the Cailleach (Hag) of winter by her lover Angus. This symbolic story recognizes the first hints of spring and the new quickening of nature's energy's after the winter's sleep.

Imbolc Customs

Even though Imbolc occurs at the coldest time of the year, it marks the time at which days become noticeably longer. Oimelc, an alternative name for this festival, means "sheep milk", as this is the lambing season.

Rituals included re-lighting the Brigid fire which was the sacred fire at Cill Dara (Kildare), the Church of the Oak. At one time the fire was tended by nineteen priestesses and later a group of Catholic nuns.The celebration signals the middle of the season of long nights and anticipates the upcoming season of light.

Celebrants would make Corn Maidens from corn and wheat. The Maidens are dressed up and placed in a cradle known as a "Bride's Bed," as Bride or Brid was another name for Brigid. A wand, usually tipped with an acorn or other large seed, is placed in the bed with the Maiden. The Maidens are generally kept year round as a symbol of fertility.

Imbolc traditions center around light and purification.

Candles may be lit in each room of a house to honor the returning sun, or in each window from sundown on Candlemas Eve (February 1st) until dawn.

This is an appropriate time to cleanse or bless your house, to seek inspiration, and to purify yourself of limiting thoughts and negative attitudes.

Customary Foods

Dairy foods are particular appropriate to eat on this festival of calving and lambing.

Welcome to the New Year..............

2006-12-31T14:23:00.000-08:00

So much has happened this year. I couldn't even write it all here if I tried. But what stands out the most is that I've finally gotten the strength to follow my own path. To make decisions and choices, even if they were hard ones, based on what was in my best interest. As a result, some people in my life have gotten hurt. But If I'm to continue with my spiritual growth in this life, I must move forward. I wish everyone that has crossed my path along the way, love and happiness, and the courage to follow their own path as well. I learned to love unconditionally, to forgive, to laugh and lighten up a little, and to like myself....................and at times forgive myself as well. I have a wonderful life. I give thanks everyday to the goddess herself for my soulmate and best friend, Jim. My children Amber, Andrew, Kate, Kim and Kelly. My Mom. My friends. As well as my very special close friend who is a treasure and lifts my spirit. I am thankful for all my talents, my strengths, and all the wonderful opportunities that have been laid before me. I am especially thankful for my health so I can provide for my family. 2006 has been an unforgettable year for sure. And I can't wait to see what 2007 has in store for me. I feel so much life inside me I could burst. Blessed Be............................Love Always, Maya xoxoxoxo

John........Your not the only one..........

2006-12-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

For John

Merry Yule

Love....Maya

Imagine there's no Heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will live as one

Here Comes The Sun!!!!!

2006-12-26T08:06:00.001-08:00

Merry Yule

Silent night, Solstice Night

All is calm, all is bright

Nature slumbers in forest and glen

Till in Springtime She wakens again

Sleeping spirits grow strong!

Silent night, Solstice night

Silver moon shining bright

Snowfall blankets the slumbering Earth

Yule fires welcome the Sun's rebirth

Hark, the Light is reborn!

Silent night, Solstice night

Quiet rest till the Light

Turning ever the rolling Wheel

Brings the winter to comfort and heal

Rest your spirit in peace!Rest your spirit in peace!

Silent Night, Soltice Night....

2006-12-26T08:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Yule

Silent night, Solstice Night

All is calm, all is bright

Nature slumbers in forest and glen

Till in Springtime She wakens again

Sleeping spirits grow strong!

Silent night, Solstice night

Silver moon shining bright

Snowfall blankets the slumbering Earth

Yule fires welcome the Sun's rebirth

Hark, the Light is reborn!

Silent night, Solstice night

Quiet rest till the Light

Turning ever the rolling Wheel

Brings the winter to comfort and heal

Rest your spirit in peace!Rest your spirit in peace!

You Light Up My Life............................

2006-12-03T07:06:00.000-08:00

My Amber,
I can't believe your 16th birthday is here!! It just seems like yesterday that I held you in my arms. You were and have been the light of my life. I remember the day you were born, I was so happy I felt like I would burst. I wanted to keep that moment forever. I waited for you for so long. I remember when I was carrying you how frightened I was when I thought I was losing you...............It was the longest week of my life. You have brought so much joy to my life. You are everything I ever wanted to be. It was as if the goddess herself molded you out of all my deepest dreams and desires of what I always wanted to be like. I am so proud that you are my daughter. I think you are truly amazing. Happy 16th Birthday Honey, I Love you so much......................................................forever, Mom xoxoxoxoxoxoenternityxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Brought a Tear to my Eyes.....................

2006-11-25T07:57:00.000-08:00

I was fortunate enough to stumble upon this poem, written by an anonymous 80 year old lady. Her words touched my soul and brought a tear to my eyes. She sounds like a special person. She sounds like a kindred spirit. Please read her poem I've placed here. I hope it enriches your reality as it has mine..............................Mayaxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I'd Pick More Daisies

By 80 yr old Woman

A Reflection on Her Life

If I had my life to live over,

I’d dare to make more mistakes next time.

I’d relax. I would limber up.

I would be sillier than I have been this trip.

I know of very few things I would take seriously.
I would laugh more and cry less,

I would be crazier.

I would worry less about what others thought about me,

and would accept myself as I am.
I would take more chances.

I would take more trips.

I would climb more mountains,

swim more rivers,

and watch more sunsets.

I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would watch less TV and have more picnics.

I would perhaps have more actual troubles,

And very few imaginary ones.

I would feel only sad, not depressed.

I would be concerned, not anxious.

I would be annoyed, not angry.
I would regret my mistakes, but not feel guilty about them.

I would tell more people that I like them.

I would touch my friends.

I would forgive others for being human,

And I would hold no grudges.
I would play with more children and listen more to old people.

I would go after what I wanted without believing I needed it,

And I wouldn’t place such great value on money.

You see, I’m one of those people who lives cautiously

And sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day.

Oh, I’ve had my moments and if I had it to do over again,

I’d have more of them.

In fact I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments,

One after another, instead of living so many years Ahead of each day.
I’ve been one of those people who never Goes anywhere without a thermometer,

A gargle, a raincoat, and a parachute.

If I had to do it again, I would go places and do things

And travel lighter than I have.

I would plant more seeds and make the world more beautiful.

I would express my feelings of love without fear.
If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the Spring

And stay that way later in the Autumn.

I would go to more dances.

I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies and I would smile, because I would be "living free".

Wish Apon A Star..................

2006-11-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

When you wish apon a star, makes no difference who you are, everything your heart desires will come to you..................

When we believe, all things are possible. I believe with all my heart and soul. I believe in Love. I believe in Magic. I believe the goddess above is watching over me and my loved ones and is always there beside me to guide me and comfort me. I know now more than ever that the first step to enpowering yourself is to find faith and start believing. Find your own faith, your own path. Don't let anyone or anything sway you from your path. Listen to your heart and soul. Stop and listen................and watch for the amazing changes that will happen in your life.

................when you wish apon a star your dreams come true.

Maya.........xoxoxoxox

Nurse Nice......

2006-11-09T17:11:00.000-08:00

Nurse Nice,

I dedicate this blog to a co worker of mine. Her name is Joan. She has nursed many patients in their homes for years and now her health is failing and she must retire. She is an inspiration of the human spirit to me. One of the most selfless people I have ever met in my life. She is one of those people who always come into a room and try to spread around a little happiness. She is always concerned for her patients and of course, her peers. I received a call today from her, she sounded aweful. She has been off for a few days with a terrible chest infection. She didn't sound like her bubbly self. She told me she was so worried about her patients that she would not be able to see in their homes . She explained that she was having some serious heart problems and would need to retire effective immediately. She sounded so depressed. All she kept doing was expressing her concern for those she would not be able to help anymore. She even told me that she was worried that she would not be able to get any christmas shopping done if she got worse, so she was doing it all now and dropping her gifts off to her family, friends, peers, and former patients in the next couple weeks. She is so special and giving it almost breaks my heart. Her and her husband are not wealthy by any means, but she gives everything to everyone, even her heart. I told her to put her energy into getting her health back, and I hope for once she does take this time to heal herself. I know I will be asking the goddess to bless her and help her heal. She deserves such happiness. Namaste Joan.........xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoYour friend always, Maya xoxoxoxoxoxox(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Joan))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sweet Dreams......

2006-11-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

The days are getting shorter....It seems like the nighttime darkness takes over so early now. I feel myself wanting to sleep and sleep. I feel my anxiety creeping up inside of me as its almost time for the battle to begin.....SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I wish I didnt have to slay this dragon year after year. It exhausts me. It frightens me knowing it could come apon me at any time soon now....So I've made a decision this year. I am welcoming the darkness. I am going to try to surrender to it and enjoy what it has to offer. I'll read, meditate , practice my yoga, socialize and concentrate on my new career. I'll sit in the darkness by the flicker of candlelight and give thanks to the goddess for all I am blessed with. I will dream about the future.....I will love those around me..................I will overcome this!!

Enough is Enough I say to this dragon of mine!!
I welcome your presence!!

Namaste,
Maya xoxo

Why.......

2006-11-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just ask myself why? It seems that whenever I'm in the midst of making a life altering change, I am given the challenge of overcoming something else. This week I have been as sick as a dog (bye the way, where did that expression ever originate from, LOL). I'm in the process of trying to prepare myself for a career change and dealing with a burning fever, sore throat, body aches, you name it. If I had a gun I'd shoot myself (just kidding!!).

Seriously though, why, why, why???? I have faith in the great mother that she has a plan for me, but seriously, can we make this just a little easier? Please? I can feel that things around me are all coming together but it's very difficult when you are feeling your worst. Oh well, at least I havn't lost my sense of humour, or my faith in her....

Maya xoxo

Keep the faith......

2006-11-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

She answers in mysterious ways and in her own natural time.

Once again she has answered my prayers and sent me a sign that I am indeed on my right path. Once again she amazes me....Great Mother of All....Goddess of Love and Light. I Honour and Thank You for all your loving gifts you bring to my life.

Namaste

Maya xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

At a Loss For Words.....................

2006-10-26T14:11:00.000-07:00

I havn't written for a few days because I'm fighting off some negativity and didn't want to write anything depressing or negative (lol). I'm feeling slighted with my career, and am trying desperately to look on the bright side. I know that the goddess has greater things in store for me and thats why I'm feeling pushed out. I need now, more than ever to put my trust in something greater than myself. I know change is inevitable...............and coming very soon. I must keep believing.........................Namaste................................Mayaxoxo

Her words touch my heart....

2006-10-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

I was out browsing around a local bookstore yesterday was feeling frustrated that I couldn't find anything of interest to purchase. I'm finding lately that there are many authors writing about similiar things. They all seem to be saying the same ideas over and over.... I have been really hungry for some new reading and was about to give up and leave when I literally felt myself drawn to a small pastel coloured book, titled "Opening the Invitation" by Oriah.
I felt compelled to open its pages and began to read the first page. From her first sentence I was mesmerized. I felt I had known her. I understood every word she wrote. I hungered to read more.

The first paragraph goes as follows:

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for.
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing...

I encourage all my friends to go to her website www.oriahmountaindreamer.com to read "The Invitation" in its entirety. Oriah has also written "The Call", and "The Dance".
I know I didn't discover her books by chance, I was meant to. More and more, I am aware of all the coincidences that surround me.....I hope you are as well. I encourage you to go to Oriah's website to learn more about her books. What she has written will touch your heart.

Maya

Today.............................

2006-10-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

I feel so much............................................
I feel connected..................................
I feel content............................................
I feel everything..................................................................................Maya xoxo

I must believe....

2006-10-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

Love is patient....this is so true..
I will be patient. I will be kind. I will be understanding.
I will wait for him to come back to me.
It is difficult to wait... but it is what I must do.
He is on his own path...as I am on mine.
I believe....I believe... I shall not waiver.
My blood curses thru his veins. I am a part of him...
even if he is not aware of it.
She will lead him home to me.
I must just be patient....

Maya

Weeping on the Inside....................................

2006-10-10T18:08:00.001-07:00

I feel them welling up deep inside me, in places I dare not go.
They fill me... consume me. If only I could give in to them and let them out.
Instead I keep them... I collect them.
I wait for the tidal wave to come and take me over, so I'm not able to resist anymore.
And finally, they come....and come, until I am empty.
I wish they would come now...I am so tired.

Maya

Hitting a Brick Wall......

2006-10-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm repeatedly hitting a brick wall.... I've tried everything to get thru to him.

He is so full of negative energy... negative emotion. If only I could get thru to him. I can see his contempt for me in his eyes. I can feel his distaste for all of us in this house. I wish he knew that we just want him to be nice to us...respect us even. He sees the world thru accusing eyes. He only sees my faults and weaknesses. I feel my energy drain from every fibre of my being when he gets like this.....It's like I'm always starting over with him.
I feel beaten down, and all I can do at this point is surrender. He has hurt and continues to hurt everyone I love. When will he just let us love him. I'm feeling so...defeated.

Maya

Andrew...........

2006-10-07T06:06:00.001-07:00

He's a force so strong. Goddess sent him to me because she knew he needed my free nature to grow into the man he is to become. He and I have been thru much together. He has taken so much strength from me since the beginning. He's an old soul. He was born old. I don't ever think he really experienced childhood. He came to this world and into my arms kicking and screaming......Resisting. Resisting everything...even my love.

He has no idea how much he means to me, or how much I love him. He is so much like me, only in the male form. His drive and ambition will serve him well.....I only hope he doesn't lose sight of his compassion for others on the way. He is my strength, and hope for a better tomorrow. His smile can light up a room. He's an amazing person. He's my son.......My Andrew

Maya

Light of my Life...........

2006-10-07T06:06:00.000-07:00

My Amber.....she is a young woman now, 16 almost. She has been the light of my life since the day she was born. She never ceases to amaze me. She is everything I ever wanted to be and more. When I look at her I see a different part of myself, and a familiar part of myself as well. Her wit and humour is contagious. She is a pioneer. She is a leader, not a follower. She is unconventional. She thinks for herself. She is artistic and loves music. She lives like she loves life. She is warmth and love. I see so much in her eyes.... I see myself there as well...and I see her father. She took the best from both of us.

She is Love. She is my Daughter and my soul.

Maya

Where do I go from here.....................

2006-10-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

There are so many possibilities in this life. Our life is a result of the choices we have made, the paths we have chosen to tread down. I've often wondered what my life would be like if I had made some different decisions, or chosen different paths. Would I still be where I am? Some philosophers believe that we are living multiple versions of ourselves simultaneously in different realms. I've often wondered if my dreams are sometimes my higher self indulging in another one of its realities. Have you? The problem with conscious choices is that we make these with our mind, not our hearts, nor our souls. We have no control over feelings or emotions. We cannot pick and choose them. They are just a part of us. We can only choose our actions made apon those feelings. We must always strive to make the best choices, balancing the needs of our heart, mind, and spirit. And to achieve this in this life, we must feel................we must never stop feeling..........Maya xoxo

Touched my Soul..................................

2006-10-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

Some things touch us at the deepest level........................
Was driving to work this morning..................This song was playing on my radio, and I felt it in my soul.............

Chasing Cars
By: Snow Patrol
(Album, Eyes Open, Released May 2006)

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
anything
or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
how to say
how I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
they're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing Cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

* I hope this song fills your soul, as it did mine........................................................
*you can listen to it on their websit www.snowpatrol.com

Sincerely,

Maya xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

Far From a Perfect World...........................

2006-09-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

Although I have not written in a few days, lots has happened. As you have probably noticed from my previous journals, a change is happening within me. I'm trying to express this change in words as I feel it may help others, as well as help me reflect on whats happening to me.

I've been feeling an inner calm, a peace, a contentment, like I have not felt in years. Not since I was a very young child. The last few weeks I have been feeling elated, full of life..... and don't get me wrong, my life is far from perfect. I have trials and tribulations like everyone, but maybe its the way I'm perceiving everything now.

I hope your with me as I'm struggling to get the words out right. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've come to some new kind of inner realization. Perhaps a realization about life... death... family... friends... and mostly love.

Lets talk about love. Most of my life I have been a black and white person. No grey areas ever! But recently, I've been seeing so much grey, especially regarding to love. I always thought that we could only have one type of love. But I'm slowly seeing that I have been oh so wrong about that.

As I reflect on my past relationships I can see that each person that came into my life offered something uniquely different to me, and I to them. I loved each of them in a totally different way. Not more or less, just different. I'll be honest, relationships havent exactly been my strongest attribute, but I continue to work on it. Maybe now that I'm seeing each relationship in a whole new light, I'll be able to maintain my current and new relationships in a more constructive manner.

If I'm brutally honest with myself, I'd have to say that I've always been scared to open up completely to anyone. Always been scared to let anyone in........to let anyone really love me. And in return, scared to really care for anyone else.........

Maybe this change in me lately is due to letting go of my fears, as I'm not feeling as scared anymore. Perhaps the only way to continue down my path is to tackle each fear one by one. What do you think?....................Maya.

Return to innocence........

2006-09-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

Thats not the beginning of the end

Thats the return to yourself

The return to innocence.

Love - devotion

Feeling - emotion.

Love - devotion

Feeling - emotion.

Dont be afraid to be weak

Dont be too proud to be strong

Just look into your heart my friend

That will be the return to yourself

The return to innocence.

If you want, then start to laugh

If you must, then start to cry

Be yourself dont hide

Just believe in destiny.

Dont care what people say

Just follow your own way

Dont give up and use the chance

To return to innocence.

Thats not the beginning of the end

Thats the return to yourself

The return to innocence.

Dont care what people say

Follow just your own way

Dont give up, dont give up

To return, to return to innocence.

If you want then start to laugh

If you must then start to cry

Be yourself dont hide

Just believe in destiny.

enigma, "return to innocence"

Description of Mabon for my friends...............

2006-09-23T07:22:00.002-07:00

Mabon Sept 23, 2006!!

Mabon (Autumn Equinox), 2nd Harvest, September 21st Mabon, (pronounced MAY-bun, MAY-bone, MAH-boon, or MAH-bawn) is the Autumn Equinox. The Autumn Equinox divides the day and night equally, and we all take a moment to pay our respects to the impending dark. We also give thanks to the waning sunlight, as we store our harvest of this year's crops.

The Druids call this celebration, Mea'n Fo'mhair, and honor the The Green Man, the God of the Forest, by offering libations to trees. Offerings of ciders, wines, herbs and fertilizer are appropriate at this time. Wiccans celebrate the aging Goddess as she passes from Mother to Crone, and her consort the God as he prepares for death and re-birth.

Take a walk today ,

breath in the energy all around us.

Meditate. Love the ones your with.......

Maya xoxo

Happy Mabon!! (Fall Equinox!!)

2006-09-23T07:22:00.001-07:00

Hot Buttered Rum in a Crock Pot
This recipe is yummy even without the rum!

Ingredients
2 cups firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 pinch salt
3 sticks cinnamon
6 whole cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 cups rum
heavy cream -- whipped
ground nutmeg -- for topping
Directions
1. Put all ingredients, except rum, cream, and nutmeg into crock pot.
2. Add 2 quarts hot water. Stir well.
3. Cover pot and cook on LOW for 5 hours.

Mabon Prayer...Fall is here!!

2006-09-23T07:22:00.000-07:00

Mabon Prayer
--Adapted by Akasha Ap Emrys

Autumn colors of red and gold
As I close my eyes tonight
Such a wonder to behold
I feel the Goddess hold me tight

Watch leaves turning one by one
Though it grows dark, I shall not fear
Captured bits of Autumn Sun
For Divine Love protects all here

Soon they'll fall and blow away
Through the night, until the morn
The golden treasures of today
When the shining Sun's reborn

When the trees are bare
Time to sleep, time to dream
And the ground grows cold
Till warm gold rays upon me stream
These warm memories
I'll still hold.

The Fall Equinox is very special to me.
The colours of nature turning
vibrant rusty colours fills my spirit with light
and a feelingof love......

Happy Mabon (Fall Equinox)

Maya xoxo

When In doubt..........................

2006-09-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened over the last couple of days. And truthfully, I've been a little deep in thought and down about a few things. Thanks to a visit from a very special friend of mine, I have been able to put things into perspective. I think what it all comes down to is that in upsetting situations you have to ask yourself one key question "what would love do?" as a response. I think that in any situation of a personal nature, if you ask yourself that key question, the answer will be clear. I know for myself, my particular situation is clearer now that I have asked myself that key question. This method can be used by yourself when faced with a personal decision, or can help you evaluate a situation by others actions towards yourself. If others are not acting or speaking to you in a loving, caring manner, then you have to wonder if they value you as a person at all. And finally, when your faced with a difficult situation and don't know how to respond to someone who has been close to you in the past, or presently, if you ask yourself the simple question "what would love do?" the answer will be clear in how to respond in an constructive, gentle manner............................I wish in my situation this week that the person I was dealing with treated me in the above manner, however, in saying that, they have made the situation extremely clear..................................................................................Maya

Mending a Broken Heart........................

2006-09-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes mending takes time. Especially with our hearts. Relationships are hard to maintain at the best of times, and because we are human, we all make mistakes. Sometimes we hurt each other unintentionally. Sometimes we may not handle situations in the best manner, and hopefully we can at least learn from our mistakes thru trial and error. It seems I have had relationship problems my whole life, with my family, my friends, my children, and my lovers. I always try my best, but I have to admit its not my strongest trait. I can only hope that those that know me the best understand that I would never try to hurt them intentionally.
I feel life would be a lot easier if people just knew instinctively how I felt about things, because sometimes I can't express it to them. As a result, many times I am misunderstood..................
If I have learned anything at all, I've learned that there is a time to forgive................................a time for healing..............................and a time for renewal with the ones we love and care for ...............................................................................Maya Sept 18th.06.

Time to Stop Being Scared.........................

2006-09-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about so many things lately. And like my other journals, I'm feeling different somehow. And I think I'm feeling like I've been waiting for something to happen. I think what I'm finding out is that I'm waiting for myself to make something happen. So, I've been taking matters into my own hands lately. Re-evaluating situations around me. Weeding out bad relationships and cultivating the relationships in my life that are positive and loving. Searching out new career posibilities, and trying to get over the fear of new challenges and work experiences. Trying to build my confidence. Trying to build up the courage to try something, even if I find out I can't succeed. I've always had the fear of failing and being ridiculed. But its time I got over it. Sometimes you succeed just by trying. People understand if you cant grasp something, and if their decent they wont ridicule you for it. But its always been one of my biggest fears, fear of failing............
Well, wish me luck. I'm gonna try something different. I'm scared and nervous, but I'm gonna try anyway................If I dont, I'll stop growing. And I don't want that to happen. There are so many wonderful things ahead for me and my family. I just feel it. But I have to press on.......
Till next time.............................................Maya..................

Something Is happening...................

2006-09-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very different lately. And it's hard to put my finger on it. I'm feeling transformed somehow, inside and out. My body even feels different to me. Almost like a long lost friend thats come back. I'm wondering what it means........
My awareness the last few weeks has increased greatly. I feel connected, somehow. Not to any one in particular, just connected. I lie in the dark (which I'm usually afraid of), and feel warmth and security. I sit and listen to the nothingness (and I usually have to have some noise on, like music ect.). I am content. I feel love. I feel like I'm coming home somehow......
Where have I been so long?

Maya...

The Love of My Life..................................

2006-09-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary!! I have been off from work sick today with a chest cold, and Jim was off today as well. We spent the day together doing ordinary things, nothing special. It has been a wonderful day. No particular reason, just a wonderful day. I love him more and more every day, he is wonderful...........................He is reading this now saying, "oh my god", but thats ok. I want the world to know how happy I am with him!
I'm sitting in my kitchen, with my back to the open window. The breeze in blowing gently on my back and jim is stroking my shoulder...............................I am a lucky laday indeed..............
................................Maya

Unexpected Pleasures......

2006-09-07T16:32:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we find joy in the most unusual places. Places in the heart we would never think to look. Like today for example. I have been very sick with a chest cold and feeling completely yucky. So I stayed home from work to rest. My honey stayed home too as he was feeling under the weather as well. Just having him with me makes me feel better. The sound of his soft voice. The warmth of his embrace. His soft kisses. He does so many wonderful thoughtful things for me, like bringing me a hot cup of tea. Today he made me homemade chicken soup. He looks at me with love in his eyes. I am so blessed he was sent to me. For the record, I try to take care of him to when hes not well, but he makes it very difficult, as hes very stubborn. So all I can do is love him to bits. The love I feel for him I could never put into words................................Maya

My soulmate..........................

2006-09-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

His voice is soothing..............it is love. His eyes are the deepest blue. He understands me. He knows me. He is my best friend, my lover, my everything...........
Look into my eyes, you will see
what you mean to me...............
search your heart, search your soul
and when you find me there you'll search no more
you know its true.................everything I do..............I do it for you...

"All I need is the air that I breath and to love you"
..............................................................................................Maya

The temple of the Sun..........................

2006-09-06T15:06:00.002-07:00

Close your eyes and you will see clearly........
Cease to listen and you will hear truth................
Be silent and your heart will sing........................
Seek no contracts and you will find union....
Be still and you will move forward on the tide of the spirit..............
Be gentle and you will need no strength...
Be patient and you will achieve all things....
Be humble and you will remain entire.........................................

Lets Face It, Im Just Not Normal.................

2006-09-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

Help me I'm trapped in a sea of mindless drivel. All around me, talking, chattering, words, mind numbing . Muffled sounds................ I'm not Listening!!
What to write.............what to write...........Hmmm. I'm always thinking. So many things in this head of mine. Always thinking I am. About things you probably don't get, or wouldn't be interested in. I'm a people watcher. I always wonder what they are thinking, or what they are feeling. I'm interested in your deepest fears, dreams, desires, loves, disappointments, wishes. I want to connect with you on a whole different level. Lets face it, I'm just not normal!!
What the hell am I doing here! Help me, I'm trapped in a world I didn't create!!

Maya...

I'm Alone In A Room Full Of People.............

2006-09-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

As the days, months, years tic by, I realize that I am so different from most. I just don't fit in, nor do I care to. Today is a perfect example: Sitting in Lunchroom with my coworkers. They are laughing and joking about things I have absolutely no interest in. I sit and eat my lunch for an hour just waiting to get back to work. Before, I used to try to get involved in the chatter, but now I just cant pretend, or be phony anymore. Most days, like today, I disagree with everything they talk about. Before I would express my views. Now I just sit in silence. I've finished my lunch, yet I'm so hungry for real communication with someone. Once again, I wonder where 'the others' are. It would be so much easier to just conform, be like the majority. It's lonely being me sometimes..............I have so much to share...............Maya xoxo

so much more...

2006-09-04T09:53:00.002-07:00

"I'm not what you see..............

"I am so much more"

......Maya

My First Journal..................

2006-09-04T09:53:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my first journal. I'm not clever with wordy statements, and truthfully, I'm not up to date with politics and current news. If your interested in reading journals to come, you will be reading my personal feelings on various topics and thoughts on my life as I see it. My hope is that you will learn about me, as I learn about myself. I'm just plain ol Michele (or Maya), with sometimes bizarre thoughts and feelings on life. I feel I'm on a journey to self discovery and would like you to keep me company along the way. I hope you enjoy my inner world.... What I will be sharing with you is my most personal and private feelings. I'm placing my heart in your hands..................so please be gentle........I'm still growing.

Sincerely......................Maya.